Boundaries Aren’t Brick Walls: A Trauma-Informed Approach to Reclaiming Your Space
As a trauma therapist, I find myself in frequent conversations about boundaries. And honestly, that makes sense—when you’ve lived through trauma, it can feel like the rug’s been pulled out from under you. Suddenly, your sense of safety, voice, and personal autonomy feel murky or lost altogether. You may start to wonder: What do I actually want? Am I allowed to say no? Why do I always feel responsible for everyone else’s needs?
That’s the wound trauma leaves behind—it blurs the lines between you and others, and slowly, you may find yourself becoming the person who says yes to everything, carries everyone’s emotional weight, and feels invisible in your own life.
So naturally, there comes a breaking point—an “I need boundaries!” moment. And from that place of frustration, a lot of folks do what I call the pendulum swing. We go from being endlessly available to building brick walls. The "no" becomes automatic. The doors slam shut. Sometimes we say “never again” and retreat into isolation for a while.
And I get it. That response makes sense. After all, you’re trying to feel safe again.
But what if there’s a more sustainable, empowering way to set boundaries? One that’s less about building walls and more about building a home?
Let’s explore that together.
You Are the House: Boundaries as a Reflection of Your Values
Picture this: You are a house. A beautiful, unique house with a cozy interior and a lovely yard. Around your yard is a fence—not a ten-foot brick wall, but a white picket fence with a gate. You can see through it, over it, and choose when to open the gate and when to keep it closed.
This fence isn’t about shutting the world out. It’s about creating clarity—about who you are, what you value, and how others get to interact with you.
The first step in creating this kind of boundary system is knowing your core values.
Ask yourself:
What matters most to me in my relationships?
What do I need in order to feel safe and seen?
What behaviours cross the line for me?
When we root boundaries in our values, they stop being rules to control others—and start becoming tools to honour ourselves.
The Castle Metaphor: Levels of Access to Your Inner World
Now, let’s expand on this image. Another metaphor I often share with clients is the castle.
In this vision, you’re not just a house with a fence—you’re a castle with rooms, each offering different levels of access to your inner world. You decide who gets to be where, and that decision isn’t static. People can move closer or be asked to step back depending on how the relationship feels.
Let me walk you through the rooms.
1. The Driveway and Entryway
This is where surface-level relationships live. Think: your mail carrier, the person you chat with at the grocery store, or a co-worker you see in passing. These interactions are polite and friendly, but there’s little vulnerability here. You might talk about the weather or share a quick laugh—nothing heavy, and that’s okay.
2. The Ballroom
The ballroom is bright, social, and lively. It’s where you might let loose at a party, laugh with a group of casual friends, or spend time with neighbours. People in the ballroom get to know a bit more of your personality, but there’s still a lot you keep to yourself. It’s light and fun, but not deeply personal.
3. The Dining Room
This is where things shift. You invite people here when you want to have more meaningful conversations. You share your opinions on important issues, talk about your dreams, maybe confide in a friend about a recent challenge. The dining room is for relationships that have shown some consistency and care—it’s where you begin to open up more.
4. The Drawing Room
Ah, the drawing room—this is sacred space. It’s reserved for those you deeply trust. Maybe it’s a sibling, a longtime friend, or a chosen family member. Here, you share your wounds and celebrations. You might talk about your fears, your identity, your relationships, and the tender, complex things that make you you. These people have shown you, over time, that they can hold that space with love.
5. The Bedroom
This is your most private space. The inner sanctum. Only those who have earned deep trust and intimacy get invited in. That might be a romantic partner, a best friend, or someone with whom you’ve built a long-standing, emotionally safe connection. There’s vulnerability here, and also security.
People Don’t Stay in One Room Forever
Here’s the thing: relationships evolve. People may move through the rooms over time—and sometimes, they get moved out of a room when something shifts.
Someone who once had access to your drawing room may need to be gently moved back to the dining room for a season, especially if trust was broken or the dynamic no longer feels safe. And that’s not about being cruel or dramatic—it’s about protecting your inner world.
Boundaries are living systems. They ebb and flow as your needs, relationships, and values evolve.
This Is Your Castle. You Are in Charge.
The beauty of these metaphors is they return power to you. Boundaries are not about punishing others—they’re about taking responsibility for the kind of relationships you want to build, and for how you want to feel in those connections.
When you operate from this place—of clarity, intention, and self-respect—you start to shift from reactive boundaries (the “no” that comes from fear) to responsive boundaries (the “yes” or “no” that aligns with your truth).
And here’s the magic: when you build boundaries that reflect who you are, you actually invite the right people in. You create space for authentic connection, for deeper intimacy, and for feeling more at home in your life.
A Gentle Invitation
If this resonates with you, I’d love to invite you into a reflection practice:
Visualize your own castle – Who’s currently in each room? Are there people who feel too close? Are there people you’d like to invite in deeper?
Reflect on your fence – Is the gate open too wide? Is it locked shut? What would it feel like to create a fence with flexibility and clarity?
Check in with your values – What are 2–3 core values that matter most to you in relationships? How could those values help you shape your boundaries moving forward?
And finally, be kind to yourself. Learning how to set boundaries—especially after trauma—isn’t about perfection. It’s about practice. Every time you honour what you need, you’re rebuilding trust with yourself.
You are allowed to protect your peace. You are allowed to be discerning. And you are absolutely allowed to change your mind about who gets access to your castle.
Warmly,
Lisa Catallo
Trauma Therapist | www.lisacatallo.com
