Should I Leave My Husband?
In my work as a trauma therapist who primarily supports women—and more recently, women over 50—this is a question I hear more often than you might think:
“Should I leave my husband?”
Now, I don’t have a one-size-fits-all answer. In fact, this isn’t a question anyone else can answer for you. But it is one that we can sit with together, gently, with compassion and curiosity. It’s a tender place to be, and you’re not alone in asking it.
Let’s talk about why this question shows up—especially in midlife.
Why Now?
I’m going to make a bit of a generalization here, but I hope you’ll see yourself in this picture: you’re likely somewhere around your mid-40s to mid-60s. Maybe you’re in perimenopause or menopause. Maybe the kids are grown or nearly there. Maybe you’ve spent decades building a life—raising children, creating a career, running a household, volunteering, caring for aging parents, being a good friend, a good partner, and a good human.
You’ve done so many things. You’ve:
Raised children to young adulthood (or close to it)
Built a career or business
Managed the household like a seasoned CEO
Supported others in times of crisis
Kept the calendar organized, the holidays running, and the fridge stocked
Maybe even re-learned what brings you joy along the way
You are strong. Capable. Resilient. And exhausted.
Because through all of that, there’s a good chance you’ve also been the primary caregiver—emotionally, mentally, and often physically—in nearly every relationship you hold.
And now you find yourself looking at your partner and thinking, Is this it? Is this enough?
Maybe there are areas in your relationship that are still okay—there’s companionship, shared memories, or a mutual understanding of the life you’ve built together. But you also might feel painfully lonely. Emotionally disconnected. Like you’re the only one still trying.
Maybe you’re asking yourself, Am I allowed to want more?
The short answer: yes. Let’s explore that more thoughtfully.
Five Reflective Questions to Help You Decide
There’s no checklist that tells you whether to stay or go. But here are five questions I often walk through with clients who are in the middle of this uncertainty.
1. What is lacking or missing in your relationship?
This is a good place to begin. Try to get as specific as possible. Many people come to therapy saying, “Something just doesn’t feel right,” or “I’m not happy.” Those feelings are incredibly valid—but they’re hard to act on until we understand them more clearly.
Are you missing affection? Emotional safety? Intellectual connection? Shared goals or values?
Naming what’s lacking doesn’t mean you're demanding perfection. It simply helps you understand yourself better—and that’s the first step to knowing what you need, whether in this relationship or another.
2. Is your partner capable of meeting those needs?
This question is often a game-changer.
Sometimes, we’ve changed—but we expect our partner to stay the same and still meet our new needs. Other times, our needs have remained steady, but our partner is either unwilling or unable to meet them.
Take a step back and ask: Has your partner ever been able to meet these needs? Are they capable of emotional depth? Open to feedback or trying something new? Are they someone who avoids conflict or someone who shows up, even clumsily?
If you feel like you’ve been begging your partner to care for years, that’s information. If you’ve never asked directly or clearly because you’ve been managing everything on your own, that’s information too.
Sometimes, compromise is possible. Sometimes, collaboration grows from candid conversations. And sometimes, the answer is no. But you deserve to know.
3. Do YOU want to stay?
This might seem like an obvious question, but it's an essential one. Not whether you should stay. Not whether you’re afraid of leaving. But, deep down: Do you actually want to be in this relationship anymore?
It’s okay if the answer is complicated. It usually is.
Sometimes, people stay out of fear, guilt, or the hope that things might change if they just try harder. And sometimes, people feel guilty for even thinking about leaving, especially when their partner isn’t cruel or unfaithful—just emotionally distant or disconnected.
There’s a difference between staying out of duty and staying because you genuinely want to be there. If you’ve already checked out emotionally, it’s worth pausing to reflect on what that means for your next steps.
4. Are you both willing to put time and energy into repairing or growing your relationship?
Researcher Dr. John Gottman found that the average couple waits six years of struggling before seeking support. That’s six years of small (or big) disconnects that haven’t been addressed. By then, resentment and hopelessness can really settle in.
But—and this is key—relationships can heal. If both people are open to putting in the work, transformation is possible. That work doesn’t have to look like a grand romantic comedy gesture. It’s often the small, consistent efforts—therapy appointments, honest conversations, checking in, learning each other’s love languages—that start to shift things.
The hard truth? You can’t do this part alone. And if your partner is unwilling to invest any time or energy into reconnecting, that tells you a lot.
5. Who are you talking to about your marriage?
It matters who you process this with.
Are your confidants helping you explore all sides—or just fanning the flames of your frustration? While it's tempting to turn to people who will just say what you want to hear, it’s more helpful to find folks who can hold space for the messiness of this decision.
Friends can be amazing support systems, but they also come with their own biases. A skilled therapist or counsellor can offer the kind of objective, non-judgemental space you need to really dig in and sort through your feelings.
This Is a Big Deal—And You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
The decision to stay or leave isn’t just about you—it touches every part of your life: your children, your home, your finances, your identity, your sense of safety.
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed.
What I want you to know is this: you don’t need to rush. You don’t need to have all the answers today. But you do deserve time, support, and space to make an intentional, informed decision that honours your truth.
Whether you choose to stay and rebuild or step into a new chapter, you are not selfish. You are not broken. You are doing something brave—taking the time to check in with yourself and what you truly need.
Let’s Talk
If this resonates with you, and you're finding yourself stuck in the “what now?” stage, I would be honoured to walk alongside you.
I offer in-person and virtual therapy through my private practice in Surrey, BC. You don’t have to make this decision alone. Together, we can gently explore your options, process the emotional load, and help you move forward with clarity.
Reach out today to book a free consultation or learn more: lisa@lisacatallo.com
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