How to Support a Loved One in an Abusive Relationship
Your daughter shows up at your home with bruises that don’t match the story she’s telling you.
Your friend seems to be pulling away ever since she started dating someone new.
A co-worker shares a few text messages from his partner that make your stomach turn.
Your niece says she gives her entire paycheque to her boyfriend and only gets a grocery allowance in return.
You’re worried. Deep down, something doesn’t feel right. You have a gut sense that someone you care about might be in an abusive relationship—but you’re unsure how to help.
You Google “how to support someone in an abusive relationship” and find yourself overwhelmed. There’s lots of information about abuse itself, but not much about how to actually show up for your loved one. You feel stuck and unsure of what to say or do. The last thing you want is to push them away or make things worse.
Let’s walk through it together.
Abuse Is About Power and Control
Whether it’s emotional, financial, verbal, physical, or a mix of all of the above, abuse is ultimately about one person having power and control over another. Over time, someone in an abusive relationship often loses their sense of self, confidence, or ability to speak up.
They may feel like they’re walking on eggshells, second-guessing themselves, or doing everything they can to keep the peace. And they might not see the situation clearly—especially if they’ve been isolated or worn down over time.
That’s where your role as a safe, steady support comes in.
Supportive Ways to Show Up
Here are some key ways you can help someone in your life who may be experiencing abuse:
✅ Let them know you’re concerned
Find a private and safe moment to talk. Avoid texting or emailing if you’re worried about safety or if their messages might be monitored. Be honest, gentle, and specific about what you’ve noticed:
“I’ve noticed some things that worry me, and I want to check in with you.”
Let them know you care and that you’re here for them, no matter what they choose to do next.
✅ Listen without judgment or agenda
They might not see their relationship as abusive—or they might feel ashamed, confused, or afraid to admit it. Abuse often escalates gradually, and your friend or family member may have come to believe it’s “not that bad” or that they somehow deserve it.
Be a calm, non-judgmental listener. Reflect back your care and remind them that they don’t have to face this alone.
✅ Help them explore resources
Whether they’ve been wondering about their relationship or are hearing the word “abuse” for the first time, they might feel overwhelmed. One excellent resource is the book When Love Hurts by Karen McAndless-Davis and Jill Cory—it’s Canadian, practical, and deeply compassionate.
If they’re open to it, you can also help them find a trauma-informed therapist or local support service. (More on that below.)
✅ Support safety planning
Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous. If they’re thinking about leaving, help them create a safety plan:
A code word to signal that they need help
A place to go if they need to leave quickly
A bag with essentials (ID, keys, medication) ready to grab
An emergency fund or shared bank account
Let them take the lead—you’re there to support, not direct.
✅ Get support for yourself, too
It’s incredibly hard to watch someone you love be in pain. You may feel helpless, angry, sad, or burned out. Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can take a toll.
Reach out to a trusted friend, or consider talking to a therapist to process your own feelings and learn how to support your loved one in a sustainable way.
What Not to Do
Knowing what not to do is just as important. Here are a few things to avoid:
🚫 Don’t shame or blame them
Comments like “Why don’t you just leave?” or “I’d never put up with that” can feel incredibly invalidating. Instead, try:
“This sounds really hard. I’m worried about you, and I care so much.”
🚫 Don’t cut them off if they stay
Many people stay in abusive relationships for reasons that are deeply complex—fear, financial control, trauma bonding, hope for change, or concern for children. If they choose to stay (or return), continue to be a safe person they can turn to.
Consistency and compassion can make all the difference.
🚫 Don’t disappear after they leave
Leaving doesn’t instantly make everything better. Your loved one may feel isolated, unsure, or even guilty. Continue checking in. Invite them for dinner. Help them rebuild trust and confidence at their own pace.
🚫 Don’t try to “rescue” them
You can’t fix this for them. But you can walk alongside them, offering warmth, safety, and belief in their strength. Empowerment—not control—is the goal.
You're Already Helping
Just by reading this, you’re taking a meaningful step. You care—and that care can be a lifeline for someone who's struggling.
If you’re supporting someone in an abusive relationship and feeling unsure of how to navigate it, you don’t have to figure it out on your own. I'm Lisa Catallo, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in Surrey, BC, and I specialize in working with women who have experienced trauma or abuse—and with loved ones who are trying to support them.
If you need a safe place to talk this through, please reach out to me here. I'm here to help.
Additional Resources in BC:
Ending Violence Association of BC: Call 1-800-563-0808 for support and info on shelters and services across the province.
Book: When Love Hurts by Karen McAndless-Davis and Jill Cory – highly recommended.
Local Counselling Support: Find a trauma-informed counsellor who gets it—and who will walk beside you, not lead the way for you.
Lisa Catallo, MA, RCC
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Trauma-informed counselling for women in Surrey, BC
www.lisacatallo.com
